Teeth

When will filmmakers realise that we've had enough of vaginal castration horror-comedies? However, what first time director Mitchell Lichtenstein's film lacks in originality, it makes up for by being the very best vaginal castration film I have ever seen. In fact, it makes all the other gash gnasher movies look positively inadequate by comparison.

For those that are wondering whether vaginal castration might in fact be a euphemism for something else entirely (what, I'm not sure), I'm afraid not. The film features graphic scenes of men being literally dismembered by something referred to as vagina dentata, which is exactly what you think it is: a toothed vagina.

The lucky/unlucky girl (you'll have your own view) with the affliction is a pro-abstinence teenager named Dawn. She prides herself on pledging to hold on to her virginity until her wedding day, and takes time to encourage other teens to follow her example. By following a strict adherence to complete purity, Dawn is still a stranger to her own body, which will turn out to be bad luck for a number of men because her own body really is quite strange. When she meets a new student Tobey and finds herself unable to stop dreaming of being with him, they very soon start cavorting in a lake in the woods. However, Tobey turns out not to be quite the dashing gentleman we perhaps thought, starts to quite deliberately ignore Dawn's wishes, and quickly gets what's coming to him. The castration that you know is coming is handled well, but Lichtenstein (the director, not the country) is only just warming up because we've got 3 more such scenes and they get better and better!

Lichtenstein cleverly ratchets up the black comedy with each intimate encounter, arguably saving the best 'til last. There's a particularly hilarious scene when she visits a gynaecologist, which I wouldn't do any sort of justice if I even tried to begin to describe it. Safe to say though that out of the 20 people in the theatre, 20 were laughing out loud; everyone seemed to be enjoying it immensely. This wasn't the sort of cinema experience where you're laughing at all the humour and you're wondering why no one else is.

The unenviable task of portraying the afflicted female falls to the talented Jess Weixler. Whilst she has some missteps with her portrayal here and there, this is largely a very impressive debut in a role that could scarcely have been more challenging to convince in. Support is solid without being spectacular, and if one was feeling grumpy I could focus on a few other annoyances, but it is extremely difficult to come out of this film and feel like that. It is the most unlikely subject matter to put you in a good mood but it did just that for me. Lichtenstein has poked fun at the American pro-abstinence crowd, homing in on the fervent religious nutcases that believe masturbation is a sin, children shouldn't be taught about the anatomy for fear of making them want to fornicate and that even watching kissing on TV is something to be avoided at all costs.

Teeth is a surprisingly intelligent and funny sub-horror, that is well worth 90 minutes of your time. I may see better films this year, but I'll wager I wont see a better vaginal castration movie for a fair while.

B+